Sunday, February 11, 2007

Movie Review: The Guardian

I was at the girlfriend's parents house for dinner this evening. (Spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread if you must know) Total spoilers below, not that you should ever see this movie anyways.

After dinner, her sister throws in a movie called "The Guardian", and I settle in for a movie with Kevin Costner and... yeah... Ashton Kutcher. To say I didn't expect much would have been an understatement but Costner pulls something good out of his ass once in a while so who knows.

The movie begins with Costner losing his best buddy on a mission in the Alaskan seas... gets assigned to train some recruits... and then moves to the training school. Like most military training movies before it... there are a couple hardassed drill instructors, the cheeky smartass recruit (guess who that is in this movie?). They included a few interesting things they do at Coast Guard training so it kept me sort of interested. Costner's the lead instructor of course.

Let's cut to the chase, l'est my review drag on like "The Guardian". Anyways, that cheeky demi moore fucker Kutcher breaks all Costner's records at Coast Guard School, shtups some chick after 2 beers and a dance at the local bar (a teacher actually, why do they always portray teachers as sluts? hmm), becomes Costner's buddy, graduates and is sent to Alaska to serve with Costner in the rediculously nutty Bering Sea. They go out on a mission together, Costner freezes up, and decides he has to quit.

If the movie ended here it would be good... but... no. Ashton goes out on a mission, refuses to leave one poor bastard behind even though he's screwed, and gets himself into shit. The poor bastard he tried to save gets killed anyways and Costner has to come and save him. Then, as they're being pulled up together into the chopper the cable starts to break and costner goes for the big nap self-inflicted. Then, in a later mission for Kutcher, the guy he saves said there was another swimmer down there who said he would keep him safe until help arrived. Yeah, they made fucking Costner into a f**king ghost who guards people against the sea. Are you f**king kidding me? I wanted to vomit.

Costner wasn't even awful until the end. Then he became a f**king ghost. Kutcher is the same smartass f*ck he always is and that you expect from him.

You want a normal ass story line to go to hell? Take the Pesci getting beat to death with baseball bats scene at the end of Casino and turn him into a f**king ghost who haunts a casino. Jesus what are these writers THINKING?

I want my 2 hours back. Seriously. I'm sending an invoice to the stupid f*cks who made this thing for 2 hours of my time, full rate. If you need your stomach pumped for any reason, simply rent this movie for $6 and save yourself the trip to the emergency room.

1 comment:

Harris said...

i'm so glad I didn't watch that movie. Costner turns into a Ghost? Thanks for the heads up.